Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
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The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
the pigeons are already plenty salty
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself