7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
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What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
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The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
This made me smile…
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club