Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
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Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Traveler’s camo
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
that wasn’t the question
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
The internet is magic sometimes.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T