I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
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ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son