The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
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Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.