All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
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[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok