Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
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[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?