therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
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Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck