Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
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*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids