EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
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#MeanwhileinCanada
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Personal question. #JustSaying