Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
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9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty