Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
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She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
*seductively peels off lederhosen
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
socratic questions
me hooking up with my ex
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Clients after you give them your rates
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!