My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
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They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
October already? What’s next? November????
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Finally!
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those