Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
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Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
the saddest jazz hands ever
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it