Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
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Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge