Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
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Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan