The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
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Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
sigh
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.