ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
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I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
motivation
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop