[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
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[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*