*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
You Might Also Like
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
*puts words between two asterisks*
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”