When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
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Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work