DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
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Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
The 6 types of sex
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
…..pretty much.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Friends that check up on you >
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system