Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
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If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Florida be like…
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly