don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
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Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Where is your GOD now????
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.