the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
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When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
What?!?
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.