“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
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[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally