Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
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Pikachu found the lost joint
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
❤️❤️❤️
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.