Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
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There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?