In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
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Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”