The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
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Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Nomnomnomnom