Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
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FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.