DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
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*offers Batman cough drops*
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Same pineapple, same
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone