*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
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Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
new year update: losing everything but weight
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
brian had himself a morning…
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Dead sexy!!