BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
You Might Also Like
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Sign of the day..
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.