do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
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[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Ugh but profoundly
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
PER MY LAST EMAIL
spicy snake
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom