Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
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I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
That’s easy for you to say
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo