My loaf of bread looks terrified
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Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.