It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
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I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Never mess with a drunken pig.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger