Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
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Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
liiiiiiiiike
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.