[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
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I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.