ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
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Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Wise advice