Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
You Might Also Like
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise