me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
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Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
I’m awake but I object,
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.