The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
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I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.