STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
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Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
“I FIXED IT!”
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)