If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
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People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
BaD BoY!!
A ghost story
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.