Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
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date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Try and stop me.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Ummm
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.