In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
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I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven鈥檛 bought anything
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
I accidentally stepped on my cat鈥檚 tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 馃槓
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
掳pulls up to drive-thru掳
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I鈥檒l be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out