So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
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[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.