It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
You Might Also Like
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
There is no try. There is only give up.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what